Coming home I wanted to just reset and in a sense just go back to what I did/was before. After so long out walkabout everything wears you down and nothing sounds better than home and what you knew before. You feel a need to reset and recover.
Funny thing is, it’s just not possible. You know that sleep for a week idea that sounded like the best thing ever? As it happened I couldn’t even sleep for a second when I finally got home. Despite having traveled three continents in a day and a half and having spent most of it on a plane and in airports I couldn’t even nap. Not even a wink. I had to do something. Anything, needed to move, find new things. And now a couple of weeks later, I’ve managed to slow myself down. Sleeping easy, recovered from the wear and tear of it all. But now that I’ve recovered, I am confronting the real challenges of coming back.
As noted in my eyes open post, its impossible to close your view once its been opened up. Mostly a good thing, but it makes returning to what you did before damned impossible. I spoke with a fellow exchange student who had chosen to stay on for a second semester when I got into Cairns, and he pretty much said all the kids who had gone home had borderline depression and were struggling to readjust to being home again. I understand that now. You want to open up to everyone at home about what you’ve been through, what its taught you, how it changed you. And its incredibly complicated because your not sure if you know the answer to all of it. So bringing it outside of yourself is near out if the question. You begin to wonder if these are the people you fit with, are you putting the right people around yourself? And you have to be ever so aware that the people who have been a positive in your life are still that way. The line gets blurred and you’re not sure if all of these people are positives in your life. If they bring a better light to your life and if you do to theirs. And its not a question of whether or not they are a good person. A fine distinction between good people and positive lights. There are lots of good people but a positive light is different for each person and often hard to find. Good people can take themselves and yourself down bad paths, wittingly and unwittingly. Its a bit confusing when the realization hits you that those you know as good people are not always what you need in life. What you need is something new to push you forward and challenge you. Because what you already know does not challenge you. Its frankly too easy and will result in you regressing to simple routines and bubbles.
This is not to say that what is known is bad, you must have some base to build from, to fall back on when you fail and struggle. But what is known can not be the only thing in your life. Else stagnation and complacency set in quickly.
Your head hurts and your eyes strain because you want so badly to push forward and grow in so many ways. An impact. You need to make an impact.
I suppose they did say coming home was harder than going, but this wasn’t expected.